Nuggets from lessons learned about marriage
“If you don’t like what you are getting, take a good hard look at what you are giving out.” This was a quote I heard in a teaching titled, “Love is Giving”. Marriage is not about what you can get from another person, but rather about giving. When love is seen as a verb indicating action, not a noun, we can confidently trust God’s divine plan for marriage. God’s love never fails and since He is love and the source for unfailing love it would be wise to learn from Him. John 3:16 states, “God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believes on him will not perish but have everlasting life.” (KJV) God so loved that He gave in response to mankind’s greatest need. He didn’t wait till we deserved His love or earned it. He gave.
Another key to building a strong marriage is the spiritual order of authority God gives for marriage. 1 Corinthians 11:3 says,” But there is one thing I want you to know; the head of every man is Christ, the head of every woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” When we learn how to live within this order in love, all the blessings, power and protection flow freely upon your marriage. Being the head in a relationship provides loving leadership for the well being of all in the relationship, not a position of control or dominance. First, it takes loving submission to the Lord Jesus as the Head on both the husband’s and the wife’s part. Then, as the husband submits to Christ as his head, the wife submits to her husband as her head, and the loving submission of Christ to God as his head, then God’s divine design for marriage works effectively. A synergy of love and respect fuels the marriage. Learning how to operate in light of this divine order of authority releases all God’s grace upon your marriage and family.
The world teaches us as women that we have to protect our identity, we have to be independent, and that submission makes us vulnerable. Without God and without a godly heart of submission to Jesus Christ on both the husband’s and wife’s part, this may be the case. But, when obeying God’s Word for marriage, and the husband and wife give love, this order of authority that is meant for marriage allows His blessings and protection to flow freely. When your identity as a woman is found in who God has made you to be in Christ Jesus, no one can take away from you what God has given you, nor rob you of who He has made you to be as His daughter.
Let’s take a minute to look at this another way: God so loves His Son Jesus Christ that He looks out for him, Jesus Christ so loves the husband that he looks out for him, and the husband so loves his wife that he looks for her. The wife is safely placed under the care of God her Father, Jesus Christ her Lord, and her husband. She is not relying on her husband to be perfect, nor for him to be her source of provision, protection, or identity. She is trusting in and relying upon God fulfilling His promise to her as she listens and obeys His Word to her, and aligns herself under God’s divine order of authority. Ultimately, God is her source for it all. A woman who puts her trust in God is a woman who will find true beauty in her identity as His daughter- beloved and cherished.
Since I lacked the knowledge and skills to develop a healthy marriage I began reading books on marriage during our early years together. My husband and I also attended weekend marriage seminars to facilitate growth in our communication skills and add information to our “tool belts” for building a strong marriage. We also spent time with other married couples, especially older couples, who were seasoned with time and wisdom, so we could learn the art of growing together in the special bond of marriage. In light of this, I’d like to share with you excerpts from a letter I wrote to a young woman entering marriage. These are nuggets of truth and practical suggestions I learned along the way that I shared with a young woman about to get married. .
Dear Laura
What an exciting adventure you are about to embark on! Marriage is a journey filled with opportunities to build a lifelong friendship with the man you love and respect. You won’t have that opportunity to do this with any other human being. Your mom once told me that you make two lifelong commitments in life: one is to God and the other is to your spouse. All other relationships will come and go. She was right. These are the two relationships you must invest in on a regular basis. All other relationships will be impacted by how well you nurture these two most important relationships. Your children will grow up and move on one day, jobs will come and go, friendships come in seasons, but your relationship with God and with your husband is for your whole life. Get ready to step into this journey with your future husband with your whole heart for an adventure is ready to unfold!
Love Language
When Dick and I were first married I read a quote that has stuck with me. It said, “Love is the power that will produce love when it is given rather than when straining to attract it.” Maintaining love in your marriage takes time and purposeful action. Love is giving. God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son…” God responded to mankind’s greatest need by giving the most precious gift He could offer in order to meet our need. Love responds to need. Love seeks to give. Love covers a multitude of shortcomings. These are all good reasons to learn HOW to love your spouse in a way that fills them up and builds them up. It’s important get to know each other’s “love language”. A good book to read on this topic is The Five Love Languages. Someone’s love language is the way love is expressed that fills up their “emotional tank”, or heart. It is a human tendency to give love in the way we desire to receive it, but what nurtures love in marriage is taking the time to give love in the way that means the most to each other. Giving love through words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, or gift giving are the most common ways people receive love. Learn which way means most to Chad then make regular deposits showing him love in that way. This may not sound romantic, but as you give love in this way to Chad you will see growth in every area of your marriage, and romance will be the fruit. By learning how to love one another in the way that fills each other up, guards against loneliness, and brings strength, stability, and resilience to your marriage.
A Blueprint for Marriage
Blueprints for the same set of houses in a neighborhood can be the same on paper, however, the way each house is decorated, furnished, and maintained brings uniqueness to each home. So it is with the blueprint for marriage. The blueprint is the same, but it will look uniquely different based on how you choose to “decorate, furnish, and maintain” your relationship. Here is the basic blueprint: God first, marriage second, children third, then comes your job, church, and all other relationships in your life. Guard diligently the first three tiers in the blueprint, and the other tiers will remain in the right order of importance. All other tiers in the blueprint must support the first three tiers, or it should be reevaluated in its importance and place in your life. Why is this? It’s simply because we live in a world that places all kinds of demands and responsibilities on us, and offers us many distractions. This can throw off the balance in your marriage and family. By aligning every demand, responsibility, or distraction against this blueprint you will be able determine the place it should have in your life, or whether it should be in your life at all. You want most of your energy invested in the top three tiers, so God, your spouse, and your children get the best of what you have to give, not the leftovers.
Date Nights!
Make time for date nights! In every season of marriage that you go through make sure you make time for date nights where you can enjoy each other and make great memories. Dick and I had very little money in the first decade of our marriage, so we had a lot of “couch dates” after the kids were put to bed. We had dinner alone, a glass of wine, read books together, watched a movie, or simply hung out and talked . As we began to make more money and the kids got older, the dates went beyond us staying home. However, regardless of where and how you spend date night, the most important thing to remember is that you make the time to enjoy each other without any other distractions. You have to be purposeful with your planning, or everything and everyone else will pull you away from each other. Here’s an idea: fill a jar early on in your marriage with ideas for date nights that go from inexpensive to costly. That way you will have a bucket list of date ideas!
Date Time With God
Make date times with God. Yes, you read that right. One of the most impactful, life-changing, and transforming decisions I made early on was to carve out time to spend with God. I actually wrote on my calendar, “Date Time with God” on the days Amy went to preschool. I thought to myself that when I made plans to meet with friends I knew to say no to other offers because I already had a commitment with someone else. I applied that same idea with God. If I wrote it down on my calendar then if someone asked me to do something at that time, I would say I already had plans. This was necessary for me because my love language is quality time, so if someone said they wanted to spend time with me, I was very tempted to drop everything and go be with them. The visual reminded me to stay true to my plans with God. Let me tell you that I was not disappointed in spending this special time with my Heavenly Father!! I learned about the importance of listening to God speak to me through His Word and in response to my prayers. I learned how to rely on Him to take care of my heart. I learned that prayer is a dialogue with God and that He longed to have these open and honest conversations with me. I learned how to quiet myself down before God, so my ear became in tune with His voice. Then when I went about my day, I learned to recognize His voice and the way He spoke to me and worked with me.
Love God First
If I were to narrow down for you what it takes to make your marriage as strong and healthy as it could be, I would say make your relationship with God the top priority above all else. Don’t confuse serving in church with nurturing a relationship with your Heavenly Father. Make your relationship with God as His daughter as important to you as it is to Him. If you seek God first and purposefully pursue Him with all your heart, all of these other areas of your life will be blessed and fruitful. For in the calm of His presence alone you will find fullness of joy, your heart will be filled with pleasures evermore, and your life and marriage will be transformed and thrive. – Love, Charlotte
One Final Nugget
Whether you are about to get married, or are already married, do you like how your relationship is developing? Are you happy with the relationship you are building? If not, rather than looking at what your fiance or husband is giving or not giving, take a good hard look at what you are giving, or not giving. Remember love is the power that will produce love when we give it rather than when you strain to attract it. Remember God so loved you that He gave His only begotten Son for you so you could have eternal life with Him. Remember that Jesus Christ loved you so much that he laid down his life for you so you could enter into God’s presence to obtain mercy and receive grace to help in times of need. You will be amazed what love can do when God is at the source of the love you give. Take time to nurture your relationship with God as your Father, take time to learn HOW to love your husband in ways that are meaningful to him, and align yourself up under God’s spiritual order of authority so His blessings and protection can flow freely throughout every area of your life. And remember, love is giving.
